Here is my advice when signing up for Pinterest: never admit to being a woman. Even if you are one, when they ask you for your gender at the signup, lie. Otherwise you're going to get a whole lot of this:
I'm trying to give Pinterest the benefit of the doubt here in assuming that these recommended subjects aren't painting all women with the same vapid brush. Perhaps the fact that there are boards for both "Fitness" and "Ab Workouts" speaks to the complexity of womanhood. What young, tender girl hasn't found herself at the crossroads of "Hair and Beauty," "Hairstyles," AND "Braids"? Truly, Pinterest is catering to the true female experience, one that enjoys both "Home Decor" and "DIY Home Decor." The message here is that a woman must always be renovating something.
As someone content to squat in the derelict crack den that is my own body, I don't know what I should be looking for on Pinterest. When you're not willing to change yourself, Pinterest is just a visual representation of a bookmarks bar. I turned to my social media experts to solicit use cases. "I find recipes I'll never cook," was one answer. "I like to discover projects I'll never do," was another. While some had found practical applications (finding classroom writing prompts, managing lists of baby supplies), most of my friends who used Pinterest admitted it was a place they go to get "inspired" and then not do anything they were inspired to do.
This seems like a waste of time, or at the very least a missed opportunity. If there's anything I'm learning in my journey to become online famous, it's that to inspire people you must connect with instead of just pander to them. So how can Pinterest challenge and engage its main demographic: cisgender, heterosexual women in a constant state of insecure self-improvement? As a member of this target audience, what would I enjoy curating photos of and then admiring them for more than ten seconds at a time?
And then the answer came to me: Penis.
Wait, wait, wait! Don't leave yet! I promise this post will not contain any real dicks. Why? Because Pinterest won't allow them. Here's proof:
Of course, there's no penis on Pinterest. There's no penis anywhere. I bet you've seen more live tigers this year than you've seen dicks on TV ever.
There are probably reasons for this, some involving decency laws. But I saw more of Lena Headey's vagina in Game of Thrones than I've seen of my own, so I'm not sure we can really rely on the strictness of these rules. The message in this discrepancy between acceptable levels of nudity is that a woman can be displayed like a cooked goose in a Chinatown window, but the penis is so special, so secretive, so revered that we must avert our eyes lest they be burned by its majesty.
When I say I am demanding a Penis Pinterest board, I'm not saying that I actually want to look at wang en masse... for more than thirty minutes. I do believe any red-blooded cisgender heterosexual female might enjoy a titillating lineup of trouser snake more than she'd appreciate photos of braids. But what women might enjoy more is leveling the playing field between the genders when it comes to feeling self-conscious.
Even when signing up for a free social media cork board, we females are inundated with body parts we should be improving. Shouldn't we encourage our male counterparts to have the same initiative? Let there be an online repository of dick picks men can reference in order to worry about how they measure up. Let there be Pinterest boards available for them to learn how to give their dicks extra volume, what moisturizers to use, what exfoliants to avoid. Let the ass-backwardness of the double standard men and women are held to in the media be unpantsed! Maybe then I might get something I really want to look at--or, at the very least, some non-phallic content that isn't completely, offensively bland.
Unfortunately, due to the aforementioned ham ban, I couldn't make a penis Pinterest board. The closest thing I could get is a board of things that look like penis, which is funny, but I wouldn't say it'll knock your socks off.
In closing, there is not a single thing to write home about on Pinterest. Don't sign up for it. Don't even look at it unless you enjoy feeling shitty about your hair.
If you want something that will really take your breath away, you should (WARNING: THE LINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO CLICK WILL INUNDATE YOU WITH FAMOUS MOVIE PEENS) check this out.
Are you as pissed as I am that you've never seen below the belly on the telly? Tell me about it in the comments below. If I have enough backing, I will take my case to Pinterest.