Tornado season in Kentucky is nothing to fuck with. Should you find yourself under a tornado watch, here are some simple tips to help you "weather" the storm.
Step 1: Extend your right arm to your side at a ninety degree angle from your body. If you are in Kentucky, there will undoubtedly be a bottle of Maker's Mark bourbon there. Pour yourself a liberal amount over ice to steel your nerves. DO NOT MIX IT WITH COKE. Mixing with Coke will only dilute the bourbon's effects and prove troublesome in the future, like taking antibiotics with your birth control.
Step 2: Take stock of everything you know about tornadoes. Know what to expect. You could see a bemused cow drifting by your window. Your home might be transported to a technicolor dream land. Reflect on the tornado-related damage, injuries and deaths you've seen on the news. Have a moment of silence as you contemplate the fragility of life and realize this is serious.
Step 3: Panic. The weatherman on TV will tell you not to, but go ahead and come completely unglued. Call your mother to say goodbye. Text ex-boyfriends and tell them you're sorry for everything. Open the front door and let your dogs out to fend for themselves, screaming, "Run, my darlings! You are finally free!" Eat a pint of ice cream because it deserves to die nobly in your mouth and not whizzing through the air alone.
Step 4: If you are in your home, find a duffel bag. Fill it with items that cannot be replaced in the event your house is destroyed: heirlooms, family photos, passports, birth certificates, computers, favorite shoes, that dress you bought on sale at J. Crew even though it was too small because you promised yourself you'd fit into it one day, etc. Take this along with your grandmother's china, mementos from your babyhood, all six of your dining room chairs and your wedding dress to the basement.
Note: If your house does not have a basement, either find one that does or nestle a cyanide capsule between your gum and cheek just in case. More Maker's Mark can be substituted if cyanide is unavailable.
Step 5: Watch the weatherman on TV for hours. He will show you the angry red radar like a rash across Illinois, but he will have no updates other than "There might be a tornado later." He will be checking his Facebook on air. He will be calling his second cousin in Indiana on the phone to ask if she has a tornado at her house ("Nope, not yet"). He will cut to the live camera on top of the tallest building downtown, which will show you a beautiful blue sky. He will say you are safe for the next two hours and that you can probably watch the episode of House Hunters you have on DVR. This is just another of his weatherman games. Whatever you do: don't change the channel. Stay tuned at all times.
Step 6: Press your nose against the single leaded-glass panes of your 1920s home and watch the clouds start gathering like no-good kids outside a convenience store. Squeal a little every time you see lightning.
Step 7: By now it will be raining. Hard. When the force of the rain has reached biblical proportions, make your husband go outside to chain the barbecue in the backyard to the drainpipe with a bicycle lock so it doesn't blow away. He will protest. Make him do it anyway. "Why didn't you think of this sooner?" he'll ask. Get angry when you tell him you were too busy making sure the Kitchen Aid mixer made it to the basement.
Step 8: Watch more TV with the lights off for maximum fear factor. Freak out again at your husband when the satellite TV he just HAD to have because it offered seventeen fishing channels craps out, leaving you without a weatherman. If you had cable, this wouldn't have happened. This tornado is all his fault.
Step 9: Apologize. Turn on a radio. Have more bourbon.
Step 10: By now you will hear sirens that mean someone may or may not have seen a tornado, and it might or might not be coming your way. You're could be in danger, but there's no way to know for sure. To be safe, grab the bottle of Maker's (which, by now, should be the only thing left on the ground level of your house besides dust bunnies and discolored squares on the wall where your photos used to be) and retreat to the basement.
Step 11: Wait.
Step 12: Drink more bourbon. Tell your husband you love him. Thank him for a grand life. Cry a little if the mood strikes.
Step 13: Wait some more.
Step 14: Wake up when your husband shakes your shoulder. You will either find yourself riding an airborne cow toward Virginia or totally fine. If the latter, try not to feel disappointed that all your preparations were for nothing. Try not to feel sheepish; finishing the bourbon will help. Stumble upstairs to bedroom. Realize you moved bed to basement. Curse the weatherman and go back downstairs. Review best practices of your weather plan: are there any things you could have done better? Done without? Contemplate this as you pass out on whatever is handy, cuddling the wax-topped bottle under your arm like a teddy bear.
NOTE: This plan can also be used in cases of predicted rapture.
You've no doubt had your eye on my house for quite some time, and why wouldn't you? You've seen the Bud Light cans we throw in our unmowed grass. Your eyes have caressed the length of PVC pipe we use for a banister, leading to our porch with the curling white paint. And you know it's all a ruse, that this thousand-square-foot bungalow is home to treasures beyond your most meth-addled dreams: a vintage 32-inch TV circa 2002. Our Target bath linens. Three IKEA bookcases. A Tiffany bowl etched with a corporate logo filled with caramel Hershey Kisses. You've seen these jewels in your mind's eye, and you've lusted for them forever. And now that you've noticed my six-foot-five Australian husband has gone on a business trip for two nights, you're rubbing your palms together beneath my window, cackling, "Now's our chance!"
I want you to know I am ready.
First of all, I don't know how good your view is from the bushes, but I'm willing to bet you can't appreciate how ridiculously jacked I am when you see me eating cookie sandwiches in the kitchen all night. Cookie sandwiches = muscle fuel. Don't believe me? Go ahead: break the glass panels of my front door with your bare elbow, grope around the left side of frame until you find my keys hanging from their Hello Kitty lanyard and let yourself in. It's only when you're within fist's range that you will realize how terrifying/beautiful I am in my red, over-sized 1996 YMCA Mock UN Assembly T-shirt: beautiful in that you'll want to ravage me, but terrifying in that you'll stop and think, "Is it worth having my dick ripped out like a cork from a wine bottle?" I promise you, it is, but that decision is one you and your urologist will have to make.
So I'm jacked and I'm armed. I'm sleeping with a carving knife on my nightstand; it's right next to my cell phone so that I can call 911 when you break in. (If you're lucky, the cops will get here in time to save you.) Is it dangerous to keep a knife next to a phone I spend half the night groping for in the dark because it doubles as my clock? Yes, but that's just the kind of crazy I am. That I'm halfway through my second bottle of Riesling does you no favors. I've also seen, like, five Bruce Lee movies.
And even if you do manage to overpower me (which you won't, but let's just pretend for giggles), if you do so much as bruise my hulking biceps with a dead arm, my husband will find you. Did I mention he's Australian? Have you seen what they do over there? That guy's been strangling grown dingos with his bear hands (that's not a typo: I swear to god, he has bear hands!) since you were playing Oregon Trail on DOS. So go into the backyard, turn on our barbecue and throw yourself on it. Save him the trouble; he'll be tired when he gets back.
I know you had big plans for pawning my silver monogrammed bracelet from Things Remembered. I know my five-year-old Mac laptop would have gotten you enough black-market money to treat yourselves to a post-burglary dinner at Qdoba. But look, I just don't want you guys to get hurt, OK? Do yourselves a favor and turn to your right: the old lady who lives alone in that house has a three-piece corduroy living room set. Sure, it's covered in cat hair, but I think you'll agree that your lives are worth more than the cost of a lint brush.
My uncle is currently in Eastern Europe trying to dig up our Russian roots. This is on my paternal side: my dad's father can trace his lineage back to the Mayflower, but my dad's mother was born under the tsars. Her father was an officer in the royal navy, the story goes, and when the Bolsheviks took power, he and his wife and their two small daughters had to flee the country. When I was young, I always imagined their living in Moscow, with the onion domes and red brick and desperate, gray winters. I imagine my great-grandmother burning my great-grandfather's white uniforms with the fringed epaulets and acquiring for them peasants' clothes. This I know for sure: she sewed rubels behind the buttons of her wool coat and into the linings of her clothes; she stuffed my grandmother's teddy bear with coins wrapped in cloth so they would not jingle. At the border, they were stopped by revolutionists and separated for interrogation: my great-grandfather in one room, my great-grandmother in another. If their stories didn't match, they would be taken outside, where whole, trembling families were being shot against the wall with rifles. I think of the rubels pouring from the holes in their clothes like blood. My grandmother told me she could still remember the screaming, the noise, the nosehair-singing smell of gunpowder.
My grandmother's Russia was full of stories like this: hard, tragic, romantic, terrifying stories, like the one about Uncle Fedot, an orthodox priest who owned a stable of much beloved horses. One night the stable caught fire, killing every one of them. Uncle Fedot went mad--legitimately mad, a madness that never left him for the rest of his silent, haunted years. I imagine him that night as one might picture Rasputin: a tall, thin, cooked, with a long beard. His mouth hangs open in horror, allowing bits of ash to land unnoticed on his tongue made useless now by the deaths of his horses. My grandmother told me Uncle Fedot never spoke again.
So as children, we were Russian. Growing up in Louisville, KY, in a town full of O'Donnells and Kurzendoerfers, this was special, different, exotic. And then another revolution came in 1989, and suddenly we were no longer Russian but... Azerbaijani.
It turns out my great-grandparents never lived in Moscow at all but in Baku, a city on the Black Sea, the capital of the recently minted Azerbaijan--a country that borders Iran, which makes it technically in the Middle East. In Baku there are no candy-striped onion domes, but stone-colored mosques and minarets. Is it cold there? I didn't know, but I pictured sand dunes stretching long into the horizon. My great-grandfather buries his turban and scimitar; my great-grandmother sews dinars to the edge of her veil that clink below her nose. Her great dark eyes--like Princess Jasmine's--are barely visible above her nose and below her brow. My grandmother had a toy camel stuffed with rubies, and she went with her mother into a small checkpoint, where she could see people whose stories didn't match up having their throats cut, the blood pouring into the sand, which clumped like kitty litter.
I imagine Uncle Fedot now, a bare-chested, open-vested, fez-wearing Imam screaming before a flaming stable of haughty Arabians, their eyes bulging, veins straining in panic as they tried to break free. The desert wind only encouraged the fire, until there was nothing else to see.
So my uncle is in Eastern Europe researching all these stories. Russian stories. Stories with heritage, haunting and gruesome. My uncle called my father last night to let him know what he had found: While my great-grand-people lived in Baku, apparently their great-grand-people lived in Poland. Which makes us now...
I know nothing of the Polish other than everyone seems to enjoy making fun of them for some reason, and that I am fond of their sausages at the state fair. I have no problem being Polish; nor do the hundreds of other people I know with Polish heritage. That I know hundreds of people with Polish heritage, though, makes me no longer feel exotic.
Now re-imagining my heritage as a movie for the third time, I picture the Polish to look a lot like the Germans for some reason. I'm sure the Polish would object terribly to this, but hey: it's my movie. Great-grandfather dons his most humble-looking lederhosen while my great-grandmother weaves sausages into her long, blond braids. My grandmother has a stein filled with sauerkraut, and they are taken to a checkpoint, which is for some reason made of gingerbread. Outside, people in puffy sleeves are bayoneted with candy-cane spears.
Uncle Fedot, no longer thin and haunted but a ruddy-faced man with a substantial paunch and auburn mustache, sees his stable catch fire and, sipping from a beer, turns and goes out for wurst.
For some reason, the addition of Poland into this memory drama just makes these stories seem less... Russian. Am I overreacting? Is it possible that these stories are interesting no matter where they take place, or am I just too hung up on the scenery? I don't even know what Poland looks like: it could be as beautiful as a silver Moscow winter or as tan as a Middle Eastern desert. Perhaps I should do some research and re-re-imagine, for the fourth time, what my people looked like and did. Alternatively, I could just wait a few more years. By then I'm sure I'll have become Chinese, my grandmother with a stuffed dragon full of noodles, my Uncle Chin in his thin mustache weeping before a pile of ashes along a lonely, smoke-scorched stretch of the Great Wall.