My husband, Brady, is a sucker for the lotto. Every time the Powerball jackpot is even remotely high, he buys a ticket, and then I spend the evening eating ramen and listening to him hypothesize about what would happen if we were to win. I find this exercise really depressing, but it seems to put him in a subjunctive mood.

• What is the subjunctive mood?
  • The subjunctive mood is used in language to communicate when you feel like going full Dionne Warwick (wishing and hoping and thinking and praying—planning and dreaming, etc.). It can also be used to live a grammatically correct Skee-Lo song:
    • I wish I were a little bit taller.
    • I wish I were a baller.
    • I wish my linguistic skills were less intoler... able.
  • The subjunctive mood is used to talk about hypothetical situations that are not necessarily true.
• When should I use “were” instead of “was”?
  • Use the subjunctive “were” to talk about things that are unlikely to happen. (“I wish” sentences are usually dead giveaways. “If” clauses are likely candidates, too, depending on the context.)
    • If I were to win the lotto, I would buy a house in Fiji.
      • I probably won’t win the lotto; I’m just pretending, so this takes the subjunctive.
    • If I were Brady, I would stop wasting our money on Powerball tickets.
      • I can never be Brady, so this takes the subjunctive.
    • I wish I were nicer, because then if I won the lotto, I would share the money with you.
      • Because I am wishing, this takes the subjunctive.
      • Also, I am probably incapable of being nicer, so if this said “If I were nicer,” the subjunctive would still be correct.
• When should I use “was” instead of “were”?
  • Not all “if” clauses take the subjunctive. Use “was” when 1) you’re using the regular past or 2) talking about things that could actually happen or are not contrary to the truth.
    • I wondered if Brady was finally going to quit his lotto habit, but then he came back last night with four more tickets.
      • The use of “was” here is just the usual past after “wondered.” You could also render it, “Brady was finally going to quit his lotto habit,” and it would still make sense.
    • If Brady was to stop buying lotto tickets, we could probably afford to eat McDonald’s or something equally as fancy.
      • Brady is physically (if not emotionally) capable of not buying lotto tickets, so this could actually happen. Therefore, it does not take the subjunctive.

 
YOU TRY!

• If I ______ a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
  
• I ______ hoping I could maybe get a Big Mac.
• I wish he ______ more responsible with money.
• If you ______ me, what would you do?
• He wondered if I ______ OK with the plans to buy a private jet.

 
Answers

• If I WERE a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
  
• I WAS hoping I could maybe get a Big Mac. (Don’t be fooled by the verb “hope”: while this sentence suggests the act of wishing, grammatically you should use regular past.)
• I wish he WERE more responsible with money.
• If you WERE me, what would you do?
• He wondered if I WAS OK with the plans to buy a private jet. (Regular past tense is fine.)

Grammatical quandaries got you down? Hit me up.