My husband, Brady, is a sucker for the lotto. Every time the Powerball jackpot is even remotely high, he buys a ticket, and then I spend the evening eating ramen and listening to him hypothesize about what would happen if we were to win. I find this exercise really depressing, but it seems to put him in a subjunctive mood.

• What is the subjunctive mood?
  • The subjunctive mood is used in language to communicate when you feel like going full Dionne Warwick (wishing and hoping and thinking and praying—planning and dreaming, etc.). It can also be used to live a grammatically correct Skee-Lo song:
    • I wish I were a little bit taller.
    • I wish I were a baller.
    • I wish my linguistic skills were less intoler... able.
  • The subjunctive mood is used to talk about hypothetical situations that are not necessarily true.
• When should I use “were” instead of “was”?
  • Use the subjunctive “were” to talk about things that are unlikely to happen. (“I wish” sentences are usually dead giveaways. “If” clauses are likely candidates, too, depending on the context.)
    • If I were to win the lotto, I would buy a house in Fiji.
      • I probably won’t win the lotto; I’m just pretending, so this takes the subjunctive.
    • If I were Brady, I would stop wasting our money on Powerball tickets.
      • I can never be Brady, so this takes the subjunctive.
    • I wish I were nicer, because then if I won the lotto, I would share the money with you.
      • Because I am wishing, this takes the subjunctive.
      • Also, I am probably incapable of being nicer, so if this said “If I were nicer,” the subjunctive would still be correct.
• When should I use “was” instead of “were”?
  • Not all “if” clauses take the subjunctive. Use “was” when 1) you’re using the regular past or 2) talking about things that could actually happen or are not contrary to the truth.
    • I wondered if Brady was finally going to quit his lotto habit, but then he came back last night with four more tickets.
      • The use of “was” here is just the usual past after “wondered.” You could also render it, “Brady was finally going to quit his lotto habit,” and it would still make sense.
    • If Brady was to stop buying lotto tickets, we could probably afford to eat McDonald’s or something equally as fancy.
      • Brady is physically (if not emotionally) capable of not buying lotto tickets, so this could actually happen. Therefore, it does not take the subjunctive.

 
YOU TRY!

• If I ______ a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
  
• I ______ hoping I could maybe get a Big Mac.
• I wish he ______ more responsible with money.
• If you ______ me, what would you do?
• He wondered if I ______ OK with the plans to buy a private jet.

 
Answers

• If I WERE a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum.
  
• I WAS hoping I could maybe get a Big Mac. (Don’t be fooled by the verb “hope”: while this sentence suggests the act of wishing, grammatically you should use regular past.)
• I wish he WERE more responsible with money.
• If you WERE me, what would you do?
• He wondered if I WAS OK with the plans to buy a private jet. (Regular past tense is fine.)

Grammatical quandaries got you down? Hit me up.

In passive voice: This week’s grammar tip is brought to you by a query from the peanut gallery!
In active voice: A query from the peanut gallery brought you this week’s grammar tip!

• What is the difference between active voice and passive voice?
  • In a sentence written in active voice, the subject does an action to an object.
    • Example: I ate ten pizzas.
  • In a sentence written in passive voice, this subject-action-object sequence is backward, making the object acted upon by the subject
    • Example: Ten pizzas were eaten by me.
• Which is preferred?
  • Active voice is usually preferred since passive is thought by some to be wordy, vague and generally inefficient.
    • Passive: Ten pairs of shoes were bought. (By whom?)
    • Active: Bob bought ten pairs of shoes. (That clears up most everything.)
• So is passive voice wrong?
  • Not entirely. Because it accentuates a different part of the sentence, passive voice is useful in certain situations:
    • To avoid owning up to something.
      • Passive: You are being dumped. (The lack of I in this sentence allows the speaker to shirk responsibility.)
      • Active: I am dumping you. (No getting around that.)
    • If the person doing the action isn’t known or isn’t important.
      • Passive: My car was stolen. (This focuses on the car.)
      • Active: Somebody stole my car. (Of course someone stole it… but that’s not exactly the most important part.
  • Passive voice can also be used to mix up sentence structure or focus on the more important aspect by putting it first.
    • All active: This house has a blue door, and a lock keeps it secure.
      
    • Some passive: This house has a blue door and is kept secure by a lock.
      • The idea of security might be more important than the lock itself, so you could use passive voice to accentuate that rather than the other way around.
        
• In summary:
  • Passive voice can be used—but only sparingly and strategically.

My husband, Brady, took me fishing this weekend, which is an activity I find very boring. So I pondered grammar to pass the time—that is until Brady caught a fish that died as he was trying to release it back into the lake. As that poor, doomed bass floated by, my thoughts turned to the beauty of life, the cruel inevitability of death, and then, naturally, to the difference between that and which.
 
Wait… there’s a difference?

• Yes! “That” and “which” cannot be used interchangeably, for “that” denotes a restrictive clause and “which” denotes a nonrestrictive clause.

Say whaaaaaat?

• A restrictive clause is a part of the sentence you cannot get rid of without changing the meaning
  • The fish that died haunted me all night.
    • Removing “that died” changes the meaning of the sentence, as “The [presumably alive] fish haunted me all night” doesn’t make as much sense.
• A nonrestrictive clause is extra fat: getting rid of it will not change the meaning.
  • The fish died, which haunted me all night.
    • You can remove “which haunted me all night,” and the meat of the sentence is not really affected.

So you could say “that” helps define a sentence, while “which” offers extra information or helps clarify the meaning of the sentence as a whole?

• Exactly.
  • Fishing is a sport that Brady loves.
    • In this sentence, “that Brady loves” reflects on sport and helps define it in terms of his preferences.
  • Fishing is a sport, which Brady loves.
    • This sentence is looser, as it implies that Brady loves the fact that fishing is a sport rather than the sport of fishing itself.

What happens if I mix them up?

• Catastrophes upon catastrophes! Consider the following example:
  • My husband killed the fish that was sad.
    • This implies that the fish was sad before he died, and since I was there I can tell you the fish was quite content before his demise. Therefore, this sentence is not true.
  • My husband killed the fish, which was sad.
    • This implies that the act, as a whole, was sad. And it was.

How do I punctuate “that” and “which”?

• “That” requires no additional punctuation. (Think: “That was easy.”)
• A “which” clause, which is a little harder to remember, is set off by commas.

I hope this clears up some grammatical issues that have been haunting you.

A life-affirming request from the peanut gallery begs to know the difference between “well” and “good,” which is all, well, well and good.
 
But before we can address this grammatical conundrum, we must first refresh our knowledge of adjectives, adverbs, and not one but two kinds of verbs! Which means…

• Another trip to grade school?
  • Yes! As I’m sure you all remember, an adverb describes a verb:
    • She bakes well.
    • She sang beautifully.
  • And an adjective describes a noun:
    • She bakes a good cake.
    • She sang a beautiful song.
• So you’re saying I should use well with verbs and good with nouns?
  • For the most part, yes. You try!
    • She is a _______ dancer.
    • She dances _______.
    • He uses grammar _______ in his writing.
    • He has _______ grammar.
• What do you mean “for the most part”? Is this about to get tricky and confuse the heck out of me?
  • Unfortunately, yes. The tricky part is that there are two kinds of verbs:
    • Action verbs are easy to distinguish because you can see them happen: swim, run, jump, sleep.
      • I drink a lot.
        • You can watch someone drink.
    • Linking verbs are a little more subtle in that they can describe a state of being or a condition.
      • I am hung over.
        • You cannot watch someone be. (Well, maybe you can, but it’s not very interesting.)
    • BUT some verbs can be both action and linking, which is when the headaches start to happen.
      • I reached out to feel the chair. (Action—you can see it.)
      • I don’t feel well. (Linking—you can’t see it.)
    • Other verbs that can be both linking and action are look, taste, become, appear, grow, smell, etc.
  • ALSO making this difficult is that “well” can be either an adverb or an adjective meaning “in good health” or “satisfactory,” as in “I don’t feel well.”
• Seriously: boil this down for me.
  • OK. For things, it’s all “good.”
    • I like good music. I like good food.
  • For actions you can see, you use “well.”
    • I don’t sing well. I eat well.
  • For actions you can’t see, stop and think about whether you’re describing yourself as a thing or what you’re doing as an action.
    • “I don’t smell good” means “I have an unpleasant odor.”
    • “I don’t smell well” means “My nose doesn’t work properly.”
      • Alternatively, you could just work around it.
        • “I stink.”
        • “My nose is useless.”
  • If you panic trying to figure out if you need good, well, an adjective, or an adverb, quickly replace what you’re looking for with another set and see how you go.
    • I don’t sing so _______. (adj: beautiful/adv: beautifully)
      • I don’t sing so well.
    • Those clouds don’t look so ________. (adj: dangerous/adv: dangerously)
      • Those clouds don’t look so good.
• Oy vey…
  • YOU TRY: BONUS ROUND!
    • That dress is a little tight. It doesn’t look _______ on you.
    • Do you have a cold? You don’t look _______.
    • This pie is delicious! It tastes so _______!
    • You know what? I do have a cold. I can’t taste so _______.

Have any other queries? Send me an e-mail and let me know. Until next time, use good grammar, and use it well!
 
You Try—Round 1:
She is a good dancer.
She dances well.
He uses grammar well in his writing.
He has good grammar.

You Try—Round 2:
That dress is a little tight. It doesn’t look good on you.
Do you have a cold? You don’t look well. (“Well,” in this instance, is an adjective describing the appearance of health. Because you’re using an adjective, “good” is also an acceptable answer.)
This pie is delicious! It tastes so good!
You know what? I think I do have a cold. I can’t taste so well.

Sometimes when we’re foraging for dinner in our pantry, my husband, Brady, who is originally from Australia, will deem a meal consisting of crackers, stale corn chips, and old Halloween candy “a bitsa” because it contains “bits of everything.” For your linguistic pleasure, here is Grammar-Tip bitsa cobbled together from mistakes I’ve seen recently on the Internet—and some I’ve ruefully, shamefully, sinfully been making myself. (Don’t tell!)

• Flare vs. Flair: As an apparel copywriter in the season of sundresses, sometimes I write a sentence like, “The designer exhibits a flare for flaired dresses,” and I have to stop and think, “Is that right?”*
  • Flare:
    • noun—a blaze of light or a rounded or spreading shape (as in clothing—“a flared skirt”)
    • verb—to burn suddenly or spread outward (The dress flares at the bottom.)
  • Flair: noun—a skill, talent, or attractive quality
  • How I remember the difference:
    • Flair is spelled like air, and both are things you cannot see or touch. If someone has a flair for something, it’s as simple to them as drawing breath. 
    • Flare (spelled like the verb care, as in, “I care about the difference between flair and flare”) can also be used as a verb, e.g. “The dress flares at the bottom.”
      • However, you cannot use flair as a verb. I don’t cair how much you want to.
• Breath vs. Breathe: I’ve been seeing this mistake a lot on the Internet recently. Personally, I never make it. Not ever.
  • Breath: noun—a puff of air. (I have trouble catching my breath.)
  • Breathe: verb—to inhale and/or exhale (He told me to breathe deeply.)
  • How I remember the difference:
    • The noun breath rhymes with the noun death, and if you run out of the first, you get the other. But if that’s too macabre for you, you can think that adding the extra E on the end of “breath” gives the word two Es, making breathe sound like week or steep.
• Led vs. Lead: If I “read” a book yesterday and still have enough to “read” tomorrow, then I don’t understand why the verb “lead” doesn’t get the same combo present/past spelling. When I am queen, I will fix this, but until then, here’s a breakdown:
  • Lead:
    • verb (pronounced LEED)—to guide or go first (He will lead us to safety.)
    • noun (pronounced LED)—a metal (My brain is made of lead today.)
  • Led:
    • verb (pronounced LED)—past form of lead (He led us to safety.)
  • How I remember the difference:
    • Another macabre trick: lead (the metal) rhymes with dead, which makes me think of a cowboy-esque sentence like, “The sheriff pumped the robber so full of lead that he was soon dead.”
    • Once I can remember that lead is the metal, I am free to remember that led is the past form of lead the verb. And then I can take a nap.
• Tide you over: I confess I had to look this up recently because I thought the correct phrase was “tie you over.” I’ve been saying “tie you over” for years while people probably laughed at me behind by back.
  •  The phrase, meaning “to support or survive temporarily,” first appeared in the early nineteenth century and actually has maritime roots. The idea of “tiding over” relates to a ship trying to enter a harbor at low tide when sandbars or mud might hinder its progress. A higher tide would allow the ship to float above these obstacles, literally “tiding it over” the problem.

As someone who has eaten many bitsa meals, I know Saltines for supper can be somewhat unsatisfying. However, I hope this is enough grammatical goodness to tide you over until next time. As always, I am taking requests!


*It's not.

Q. First of all, what is an infinitive?
A. An infinitive is the “to” form of a verb: to run, to go, to jump, to wear, etc.

• I love to snack.
• I like to study grammar.

Q. So what’s a split infinitive?
A. A split infinitive is when you insert an adverb between the “to” and the verb. The most famous example is from Star Trek: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

• I love to always snack.
• I like to thoroughly study grammar. 

Q. Are split infinitives bad?
A. Technically, there are no grammatical rules that state it’s improper to split infinitives, but for some reason it’s been drilled into writers since grade school that you shouldn’t.

Q. So should I split infinitives?
A. You can, but it’ll just annoy people who only think they are as grammatically informed as you are. Rather than reeducate the whole world, it’s easier to avoid splitting infinitives:

• I love to snack always.
• I like to study grammar thoroughly.

You can also just avoid infinitives altogether

• I love snacking.
• I like a thorough study of grammar. 

Fun Fact: The “Don’t Split Infinitives” rule was developed in the mid-nineteenth century when Victorian scholars (having nothing else to do since there was no TV yet) decided to return to pure Latin grammatical rules.

Have a grammar question? Submit it here for future Grammar Tips!

Q. What is a colon and why should I use one?
A. A colon looks like : and is used to set up anticipation for the second part of a sentence.

• I have many New Year’s resolutions: use colons correctly, use semicolons correctly and lose twenty pounds.

Using a colon adds drama to a sentence as it puts the topic at the end and creates suspense.

• Ice cream is my only love in this world. (OK)
• I only have one love in this world: ice cream. (Surprise!) 
  

Q. How do I use a colon?
A. Colons should always be used after an independent clause

• My favorite hobby is: thinking about grammar. (wrong)
  
• I only have one favorite hobby: thinking about grammar. (correct)
  

Q. What is a semicolon?
A. A semicolon looks like ; and is used to connect two independent clauses.

• I always have many New Year’s resolutions; I never achieve any of them.
  

While a colon can connect an independent clause and a dependent clause (I have only one love in this world: ice cream.), a semicolon MUST connect two independent clauses.

• I have only one love in this world; ice cream. (wrong)
  
• I love ice cream; I could eat it every day. (correct)
  

Q. Why would you use a semicolon rather than a period?
A. You can connect two short, related sentences with a semicolon rather than a period if you think they are too choppy to stand on their own or if you want to draw attention to the relationship between them.

• I made a cake last week; it tasted awful. 
  

However, you can also use a period or a comma to the same effect.

• I made a cake last week. It tasted awful.
  
• I made a cake last week, and it tasted awful. 
  

Basically, semicolons are useful if you want to mix things up.

Fun fact! The colon made its debut in 1550, while the semicolon didn’t roll up until 1644.

Q. Seriously: What is up with affect and effect?
A. I know, right? What makes “affect” and “effect” especially confusing is the fact that these words do double duty as both nouns and verbs. While there are many definitions for “affect” and “effect,” I find that for most daily use, when you need a noun you go with “effect,” and when you need a verb you go with “affect,” like so:


Affect: verb

• to influence
  
• Example: Ten beers will affect your judgment. 

Effect: noun

• A result
  
• Example: Ten beers will have an effect on your judgment
  

One way to remember affect is the verb is that “action” and “affect” both start with a. So when you need a verb to do an action, go with “affect.”

Q. But sometimes I see “effect” as a verb…
A. While “affect” means to influence, “effect” as a verb refers to putting something into operation:

• Example: I hope to effect a two-beer policy from now on.
  

Q. So “effect” can be a verb, but usually not as often as “affect” is?
A. Right!